It’s so strange to think in only 72 days (o-m-g) that I will be getting married and then moving in with a man. MARRIED! I think all this anxiety I’ve been dealing with might be a suppression of this huge change about to happen. Every time we go to marriage counseling or I talk to a married friend, I realize “oh wait…this might be a big deal…”
It’s so hard to believe it’s coming when I feel like I’ve CONSTANTLY been waiting for years for something stable. I’ve been living like a nomad for so long that I don’t know what stability looks like, honestly. It’s all been this transient season with the hope and promise of change “soon”. When I moved in with Olga, it was with the understanding it was temporary until I get married. I mean, when everyone writes on your Christmas cards “Happy last single Christmas!” you get the feeling life is moving on. Then this year I received more “happy last single…”, and it was like this transient season had turned into a lifestyle. My job feels nomadic like- I don’t even have a classroom. The last part of my day I move into the teacher’s lounge, with my ADD Somalian student, while teachers congregate making copies and using the bathroom (which we hear. and smell).
I always related being a nomad to being free-spirited, that I can go wherever the Lord leads me. Now he’s leading me into marriage, stability, owning things (like, my own blender! my own coffeemaker! my own forks!) and I felt for a long time my free spirit was about to die. I actually felt guilty for wanting my own forks.
My heart has been, for years, for unreached people in unreached locations. For nomads like myself. Those who don’t feel like they have a place or a home. A verse I’ve gone back to over and over is Romans 15:20- “that I might preach Christ where He has not been named…” Sometimes I wonder if I might always be restless because something deep inside of me is halted, waiting to be stirred by taking action to this huge giant of a passion I’ve been fostering since I was a kid. However, I’ve got to take on unchartered territory in my life now first: stability. I’ve learned that stability does not cancel out adventurousness or not wanting to venture to potentially risky places for the gospel. That was a really hard lesson to learn. I’ve used “waiting on what I want to do”-“waiting on a job”-“waiting on being engaged”-“waiting to be married” as an excuse for my heart not being okay with what God has given me.
Another great lesson is restlessness does not equal free spirit either. Nomadic living means different things. It’s NOT okay for me to feel nomadic in my heart- I have Jesus as my strong Protector. He is my home. I’ve also learned that it’s okay to be happy. Bobby is the best partner for me, and together we honor and serve God better. I trained myself to run away from responsibility, just in case God says “go to Africa! go to Peru!” I think I’ve always misinterpreted action, the word “go”, the Great Commission in general. Right now I am going into marriage, stability, and learning what it means to have my identity in Christ not based on what I do. I’m over being guilted. I’m over waiting for peace in my heart. May the Lord prepare me for whatever is coming, and may I be happy with all He gives so freely.