It’s almost the end of 2011, and my mind is already entering hyper-mode of reflecting and looking back on this past year. Some moments I am literally thinking “what the hell happened this year?!?” but in my good moments, I’m overwhelmed with how much happened and where I am today. From January until probably September, I struggled with some serious depression, insecurity, people-pleasing, and pretty much a full-blown identity crisis, to say the least. I have to be honest, this blog might be sharing things that most consider too personal to put on the world wide web, make people feel weird or it won’t get read…but that’s okay. My blog is for me. It’s for me to get out what I am saying and hoping that maybe somewhere someone reads it, can relate, and be encouraged.
I’m probably going to elaborate more later…again, for myself…but here’s a little list of things from 2011…
1) Despite how friendly, outgoing, perky, peppy or happy I can be, I am an introvert. My sister pounded that into me a few months back, and it is so freeing to know it. However, I’m not letting that define me, and if you want to call me an extrovert, whatever. I’m not going to walk around and make sure everyone knows, but for me to know is good.
2) I absolutely love my husband with everything in me. This past year was rough for me personally, but he saw it as a great opportunity for us to grow closer. Through depression, unemployment, insecurity and stress, Bobby remained patient. I honestly cannot recall one unkind thing he has ever said to me. I’ve learned what kind of man he is this year, and the kind of wife I hope to be for him. I say all that not to brag, or throw around words and make it look like we have the best marriage ever, but so many times Bobby’s humility and kindness are what bring me back to the Lord’s feet.
3) People let you down. As horrible as that sounds, people fail all the time. I fail people. Fact of life. Last night I had one of those come to Jesus life-changing conversations with my incredible friend Sarah where I was brutally honest about some things, my hurts with certain people pushing me away and the hurt of people who simply don’t care as much for me as I thought. It is reality, and not everyone can be best friends forever. But that is a whole other topic for another day!
4) I really like teaching! There’s aspects of it that I love, some I don’t, but all in all, yes, thank you Jesus for my job. It literally is a (more recent) dream come true to teach ESL in the Memphis City Schools, however messed up it can be. I still hesitate calling myself “a teacher” because I don’t want that to be another identity I cling to. I’m still grasping “child of God”.
5) Time is short. The past few months I’ve learned more about the kind of woman I want to be, and a lot of that determines where I spent my time, energy, thoughts, and words. My year has been crazy busy, and time with people has been seriously limited. I don’t get to talk to or see some of my very best and favorite friends, even ones who live down the street. When I talk to people, I don’t feel like beating around the bush and talking about things like TV or clothes- I want to know their hearts. Where is God, how has He been moving, what is He teaching, how is He blessing, how is sin hurting…because really, those are the only things that matter in the end. Sometimes I get insecure with people I don’t know very well, but I’m learning that’s no excuse. GOD IS MORE IMPORTANT, plain and simple.
Our church small group (that I LOVE) is going through 1 Peter. This verse always hits me hard, feeling the weight of the reality…
Therefore, preparing your minds for action and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”
6) Last (for now!) but not least, one of the most life-changing things said to me in my life…“Christ is your reputation…He speaks for you.”
And again, more on that one later.