I have to brag about something, shamelessly and openly. However, as my mom put it, it gives credit to God, not so much to me.
I successfully talked myself out of a frenzy attack on Saturday.
Whaat?! I know, weird. I like to call these almost-but-not-panic attacks “frenzied attacks”, more where I get so overwhelmingly frazzled that I shut down, have to sit in a dark room and do something utterly meaningless, like watching 2 hours of Netflix or Pinterest. After doing this, I proceed to unleash fury and wrath on my husband, who successfully calms me down, speaks truth and then comforts me when I apologize and cry. Yes people, this is me, and I’m not very proud of it. I’ve been encouraged by people, mainly my sister and Suzanne (brave woman who disciples me, knowing I am crazy), to look for the Lord’s voice and His truth in these moments. Clearly, I run to other methods other than His truth, but Saturday, there was a small success. Through different circumstances I got so overwhelmed by all the things I thought I wouldn’t work out or I couldn’t do, so I reverted into my “poor, poor Katie” thought process. When poor Katie is out, watch your backs people. Or rather, Bobby’s. I quickly began spiraling downwards, only to all of a sudden stop and think “What the heck?! I really don’t think Jesus EVER acted on these thoughts the way I do!” I stopped and waited, trying to push away any negative thoughts about life, and instead think about the character of Jesus. Jesus probably felt overwhelmed, frazzled, like nobody cared or wanted to help, yet that man served His heart out.
Once I stopped and began focusing my heart and mind on Jesus, I felt peace like I haven’t before in those moments. Something else began overwhelming me rather than the anxiety, and it was the intense desire for Him to be near and for Him to make me more like Him. I think we ALL feel this way when we think about who He is. How beautiful that He wants to transform my ugliness and sin, when I get stressed and overwhelmed and act immature, and He still loves me and is working in that.
I worry a lot what people think about me, and I usually try to control it. Unfortunately, there is NO way to control what people think about me, and I end up projecting my insecurity onto them in really awkward, weird ways that people can see through. Truth is, I worry that I will be labeled the stressed out person who can’t get her life under control. I overcompensate and it usually ends in disaster. And while I hate for people to label me that way, I label people all the time. It’s just easy. Stereotyping makes the world, and media, go round and I jumped on that train, despite how shallow it is. When I label people, I am assuming they are done growing, and this is the way they will always be. My sister gave me wise words when she was here, that “God is working in them too.” Simple, yet truth that reminds me that labelling people “the fun friend” “the wise friend” “the person who cares” “the person who doesn’t care” and putting people in a box does nothing for me or the person. I love the verse that tell us that He began a good work in us until the day of Christ Jesus. Such a beautiful hope for me and for everyone and our labels- WE’RE NOT FINISHED!
People are so complex and diverse even within themselves sometimes. I desire to be so much like Jesus, despite how far away from Him I can be at times. I hope to always put grace first, knowing we all make mistakes and He is still molding us daily. And now it has been blogified, so I gotta actually follow through and do it.