I think I have begun at least 15 blog posts the past month, only to be written at incredible length that even I wouldn’t go back and read, or they didn’t make sense and made a million rabbit trails. It’s because my mind is going crazy. Part of the problem is that I have so much in my head, I haven’t journaled in probably a month (and I have to journal for sanity), and I spend wayyy too much time on facebook, twitter, and pinterest. I’m just going to be honest about that. I like people and I like to look at their pictures, read their funny comments about the day, catch up on news and look for cool things to do to my home. There are so many other voices, stories, opinins and ideas in my head, along with my own, that I can’t handle it all. My friend Meredith gave up social media for Lent, and I’ve decided, now after the actual Lenten season, to also give up facebook, twitter, and pinterest for the week…and indefinitely. I have a hyperactive brain that runs 90 to nothing, and already three days away from these things have calmed me down and given me to time to do the things I actually need to do. It’s kind of like a cleanse for my mind. Which now I’m thinking I should probably do a real cleanse for my body since I have eaten so many marshmallows and chocolate chips the past few weeks. And another thing- I totally struggle with comparing myself to people, and for me, social media feeds into my horrible insecurity. It’s nice to have one less thing to fight for my attention.
For real though, my mind is going crazy. Bobby has asked me multiple times to write things down so I can remember what I need to do, but let’s be honest here…I HATE making lists. I am anti-list, anti-checking things off- it just doesn’t do it for me. I feel proud of myself when I can just remember things on my own, kind of like my guy-pride of never asking for directions and wanting to trust my inner-GPS that doesn’t actually exist. Unfortunately, the lack of writing things down has led to stress that I can’t even pinpoint when I’m awake. I haven’t slept well in months and I can’t tell you how many crazy dreams I have had about work-related issues or people turning into monkeys (thank you, young adult dystopian post-apocalyptic fiction). The weird thing is, when I’m awake I am happy, grateful, and fully enjoying this season of life, pretty unaware of my stress level. There’s this huge underlying stress of not being good enough for my job or good enough for my kids, and it’s so big that I just don’t think about it. We have TCAP, our dreaded standardized test, coming up in a few weeks. Apparently TCAP is the biggest deal of life and we have a huge job to prepare our kids for it. I worry that what I do is not good enough for them, that I provide no preparation or help and my kids will stress when they see how hard the test is. Bobby prayed over me last night after I broke down crying, and I started today with the knowledge that I am not these kids’ savior, and if I am doing this job for the Lord He WILL enable me and give me strength. Over and over I can hear Him say “This is MY world Katie.”
All that to say, I am wanting to be quiet in my mind and focus it on the Lord. I can see that I hold onto fear and am not fully embracing the grip of grace that the Lord provides. If it means trading social media interaction for more prayer and actual interaction with people, so be it.