This is a post that I’ve been delaying because it’s almost too much to think about in one sitting. The inevitable marriage post. And when I say post, I mean, process the good, bad, real, sincere truth. While I do keep personal things between me and Bobby (i.e. there will never be a sex post. But mainly because my close friends have already heard more than enough details from me, and you know I’ll talk one-on-one about it! Just no blogging about it), I do believe it is so important to be transparent, honest, and open about certain things. If you know me well, you know I cannot stand surface level conversation for long. It literally drains me. I can only take so much before I shut down and need to call someone who will give it to me for real. There’s such a danger in presenting ourselves like life is easy and perfect, and not giving credit to God. This is me, revealing sin and how Jesus literally had to save me from myself over and over, using my marriage as the vehicle to slap some truth into me.
I summed it up best to my friend Kathleen the other night: submission isn’t what I thought, which was to make the bed, clean the house, cook eggs and bacon every morning and basically do everything for Bobby- because when I did, he didn’t eat my eggs and I cried. If you ever watch New Girl (because you should, because we are all quirky as Jess!), the episode when Jess tries to instigate a fight with her Fancyman Russell was a good representative clip of our first couple months of marriage. Especially the part when she throws all the coasters- “Why do you have so many coasters?! Trying to coast through life?!”
All that to say, our first few months were rough. Granted, I was taking the crazy pill (you suck birth control) and I was depressed, crying all the time, blowing up and yelling a lot. More than I would like to confess. Before I got married I tried to cover ALL the bases of expectations, surprises, and disappointments every other married person had faced, so I could be prepared and cool and all “yeah, it’s okay, I knew that was coming.” But nobody else has married Bobby…but me. So nobody else knows his incredibly weird eating habits and how he would much rather eat peanut butter and jelly than have me make something. This small fact created more fights than I can recall- my insecurity over him not liking my cooking, and him trying to be a simple man. I would have random melt downs over stupid things, like our furniture, the yard being a mess, us being in different rooms watching different TV shows, food, do we have sex enough (oops had to let that one in), do we socialize with our friends enough, do we have the appropriate amount of date nights, etc. (NOTE: these are all things when I compared myself to other people and marriages!) Thankfully things did take a turn for the better in July when I found out getting a big girl job wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought. Bobby prayed over me and encouraged me. When I stressed about money, he was the one who had faith God would get us through. By September when I got my job, we had grown so much closer as friends because we had to support each other through unknown, difficult circumstances. Once I started working full-time, then came juggling different schedules, exhaustion, stress- all that comes with a new job.
We’ve fought about how to spend our time apart, how to spend our time together, which lights stay on during the night, which lights stay off during the day, how save money, how to spend money (do you see the money theme? awesome) and when to run the heat/air (I’d rather suffer, he’d rather not). Clearly the idea of “submission” was never one I thought too much about through- more just on how I can be happy and hope that he’s enjoying the ride. This past February, we had a huge talk over things we’ve had minor issues over the past few years that culminated into one day. Throughout this talk, the outcome was the discovery how how I can actually submit in the way Bobby needs it, which has been an incredible turn in our relationship.
And that will be saved for Part II because this post is already way too long.